


A Late Night in Hell's Kitchen

by lady_wordsmith



Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Declarations Of Love, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Love Confessions, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, Tumblr Prompt, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-17 00:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11840658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_wordsmith/pseuds/lady_wordsmith
Summary: Tumblr Request: “Back then, I lied when I told you I didn’t love you. You needed to move on from me– I needed to protect you from me.” with Matt Murdock? (and can Matt be the one saying it the reader?)"It's three in the morning, and your apartment intercom is buzzing. What is Matt Murdock doing at your door after your disastrous last conversation, and why now?





	A Late Night in Hell's Kitchen

_“You’re lucky I have a rudimentary knowledge of first aid, Murdock. I’m an actress, not a nurse, but studying stage combat has allowed me to come to your aid.” You say in mock gravitas, which makes Matt chuckle until he remembers his injuries and winces._

_“It doesn’t bother you?” He asks._

_“I was Lavinia in **Titus Andronicus** , Matthew. Blood doesn’t bother me.” You tell him with a roll of your eyes_

_“No, not the blood.” He says, taking your hand as you reach for the role of gauze. He lightly presses his lips to your hand before letting you go, his brow knit and his expression serious. “What I do.”_

_“Vigilantes have existed since the dawn of time and probably before, Matt.” You say, grabbing for the gauze again and setting it to work. “It’s a popular device in fiction, I mean… You kinda resemble Zorro in that black getup, man.”_

_Matt laughs and winces again at your mild teasing and lets you bandage him up before speaking again._

_“You could get hurt if I was discovered.” He tells you._

_You roll your eyes again. “Spare me the trope discussions, Matt. Not even Foggy knows about you and me. Besides, you and me…”_

_Matt smiles at you, but you know he’s probably just heading off any sort of “define the relationship” talk, which is all but confirmed when he pulls you in for a kiss. As the two of you part, Matt brushes some your hair behind your ear._

_“Good one, Murdock.” You murmur. “Now explain to me about these senses of yours again, slower this time.”_

 

When you first hear the repetitious buzzing, you think it’s your alarm clock. It’s only when you open your eyes and are greeted with darkness instead of sunlight streaming through the window that you realize it’s your apartment intercom buzzing at three in the morning. You sigh and lie back down, figuring it’s just a bored drunk or someone who forgot their key and when they realize you aren’t going to buzz them up they’ll annoy someone else in the building or go away.

The buzzing continues ceaselessly, until you finally sigh and rise from your bed.

“Alright, alright. Asshole.” You mutter, sliding out of bed and grabbing your terrycloth robe off the floor. You’re obviously not expecting anyone, but if it’s someone who needs help or something, you’d prefer to do it in a state of at least somewhat dressed and not stark naked. You leave your bedroom and head to your front door, pressing the talk button.

“The fuck you want?” you ask, your voice coming out in a sleepy rasp. You cough and jab the listen button hard with your finger.

“It’s me. It’s Matt.”

The clarification is unnecessary. Even distorted by the crappy intercom, you’d recognize that voice anywhere.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk to me-“

Understatement of the fucking year.

“But I… I have nowhere else to go and I need to speak to you. _Please_?”

You click the talk button. “You wanna talk? Go to a therapist, Murdock. Or a priest. It’s three in the goddamn morning.” You say, sliding your finger off the talk button.

You bite your lip, before letting out a sigh and pressing the button again. “I’m buzzing you up, Matt. Five minutes, ten if you’re not being a complete asshole, and if it turns out you’re just here to get your dick wet, I’m throwing you out the picture window and sticking Foggy with the repairs.”

You hit the button to buzz him up and growl lightly. You’re a fucking pushover and you know it, but this week is your last week in New York City, and you figure maybe listening to Matt and getting some closure on that whole mess the two of you left behind you would be good.

There’s a knock at your door a few minutes later, just long enough for you to sort out the ragged mop you call your hair a little. Not that it’s all that necessary with Matt, but you prefer looking your best at all times, and no one, not even Matt, deserves to bear any sort of witness to the Gorgon you become in your sleep. You open the door, half expecting Matt to be in his Daredevil costume, but not really shocked that he isn’t.

“Hey.” You manage as a greeting, stepping aside to let him in. “Been a while.”

You cringe. For a soon-to-be former actress, you are shit at pretending like it’s normal to see your… ex? Former fling? Your whatever... At three in the morning.

“Yeah… I… Look, can we just-“

You close the door behind Matt and lead him into your kitchen. Matt sits at the table while you hold back, standing in place. You’re uncertain what to do, you have no script to follow here and none of your improv skills can help you now. You settle for playing the hostess, noting the absurdity of doing so, if only to yourself, like Matt is an invited guest and it’s an acceptable time for a social call.

“Can I get you anything? I have water, tea; I can make some coffee… The liquor’s already packed, but I can dig through the boxes if-“

“Packed?” Matt interrupts you. You blink, your train of thought broken by the fact Matt looks confused.

“Yeah, uh… I thought Foggy would have told you I was moving. Leaving the city, actually. I got a job in Seattle.” You bite your lip, wondering if Matt can sense your nerves.

“Oh. A big role? What is it this time, a movie?” Matt asks, a light smile on his face.

Even after all that’s happened, he’s always happy to hear you got a new gig. You take a deep breath before he starts in on those movie star jokes.

“Uh… no.” you say, letting out the breath in a deep sigh. “Matt, I got a job as a head house manager for a theatre company near Seattle. I’m really leaving this time, for good.”

You look away, your face burning in a strange kind of shame. You’re excited for your new job, had been excited since you signed the contract. Even telling Foggy hadn’t dampened that, not even when he didn’t speak to you for almost a week before coming around and congratulating you. But telling Matt, even after he had destroyed everything between you, you felt like you were betraying something you couldn’t even name. You almost want to apologize out of reflex, and only biting down on your lip keeps the words from passing your lips.

Matt doesn’t say a word, doesn’t even make a sound for so long you almost wonder if he even heard you. Then he sighs, but it doesn’t make you breathe easier.

“Congratulations. You must be excited.” He says finally, but there’s something there, an edge to the words, that makes you bristle.

“You’re mad at me.” You state. Not even questioning. It makes you angrier.

“No, no…” Matt sighs. “Just… everything’s changing. I was never good with change.”

“Oh, come on, Matt. You and Foggy are still a team at least-“

“No. Foggy left. We dissolved the law firm-“

“He’s still your friend, though. Even with Daredevil?” you ask, letting that question, and the unspoken implication, hang in the air.

Matt is the one to flinch this time, but he tries to cover it with a laugh.

“Daredevil. Fitting with how everything’s gone to hell.” He says, accepting the water glass you’ve gone to the sink to fill.

“Foggy mentioned you were having a tough time. I don’t think he knew what happened the last time you and I talked.” You tell him, sitting across from him with a glass of water of your own. You avoid looking at Matt, instead staring down at the cable, tracing the pattern of the tablecloth with the tip of your finger.

“You didn’t tell him?”

“He’s my cousin, not my keeper. And anyway, it’s too much to explain to him.”

“What? Just tell him I’m an asshole. That’s never been-“

“He never knew, Matt. About you and I.” you interrupt.

Matt goes quiet at that, only a soft “oh,” passing his lips. You bite your lip. You bite it hard, so hard you think it will bleed. The old anger rises up in you, the anger you hadn’t even unleashed then. Your emotions had always been tools to you, tools that helped you reach places and heights in your acting, but in real life you regard them as pointless if a situation is futile.

And your last conversation with Matt was the ultimate excuse in futility.

 

_“So that’s it, then. You’ve said your piece, I’ve said mine. We’ve come to terms… Is there anything else?” you ask, looking from Matt to the window and back again._

_“Not from my end, no.” Matt says._

_You narrow your eyes at him, pinpricks of tears you refuse to shed. You tell yourself to act, that this is just another scene that you need to finish strong._

_“Good, ‘cuz you’ve done enough. Get out.” Your voice is harder than you intended, but it makes you sound tough, and you need to be tough now._

_Matt doesn’t respond, blast him. He only heads for the door, not looking back. His quiet exit is stronger than your false bravado, you note as you let the burning tears trickle down your face._

_“Damn you.” You whisper to no one, or maybe to the ghost of Matt’s presence. It’s all the same, anyway._

“That was a mistake.” Matt tells you. “All of that… It was a mistake.”

“Keep twisting that knife, Murdock.” You mutter, looking up from the tablecloth. Your eyes are dry, your tears long shed. That anger, though, is still fresh. “Look, if you’re just here to reminisce, you can go get bent-“

“That’s not what I meant!” Matt cries out, making you jump. He sighs as you startle, running a hand through his hair. “Look, that’s not-“

“Don’t. Foggy told me about you and Karen, and about Elektra. You haven’t exactly been hurting, not that you would be considering _you_ were the one to end things just because I wanted some kind of answer to what we were-“

“Stop it!”

“Oh, no, Matt, you opened Pandora’s box, don’t bitch when you don’t like what’s inside. I get it, okay? I was a mistake, just someone to warm your bed until-“

“You have no idea what you were to me! What you still are!”

Matt’s yell snaps you out of your fury, just enough that you pause.

“What am I to you?” you ask him, your voice much softer now. Matt sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face and closing his eyes.

“You really want to know?” he asks you, his voice as quiet as yours had been a moment ago.

“I always wanted to know.” You tell him. You think about taking his hand, but that type of closeness… you and Matt don’t have that anymore. “After all, Matt, I told you-“

“I know.” he interrupts you.

“Well, last chance.” You tell him, trying for a levity you don’t feel and you know falls flat. “I leave for Seattle in three days.”

Matt lets out a huff of breath and stays silent for so long you almost want to tell him to forget it and get back to why he showed up at your apartment at three in the morning.

“I wanted to say it back.” He says finally.

You blink, a little surprised. “I recall you saying the opposite. Rather harshly, in fact. I mean, if you had just turned me down even a little nicer I probably could have dealt with it because at least the sex was good, but you were an outright asshole, Matt, and you know my policy on having sex with a dude that’s an asshole.”

“I know.” He says.

“And I said that I loved you all the time anyway since Foggy introduced us, we could have played it off.”

“No, we couldn’t.” Matt tells you.

Quiet reigns in your kitchen again, the silence heavy and uncertain.

Matt huffs again and runs a hand through his hair. “After Fisk, I realized… No, even before. Back then, I lied, okay? Back then, I lied when I told you I didn’t love you. You needed to move on from me- I needed to protect you from me.”

“So you did love me.” You say. Matt nods. “But you… needed to protect me from you? That doesn’t even make sense.”

“From what I do.”

“Matt-“

“Don’t say you could have handled it. Foggy barely tolerates it. Karen… I don’t know. I told her, about Daredevil, but I don’t… I think she knew about you, how I felt. She probably feels used. She should.”

“Matt-“

“I don’t expect anything to change, okay? I had my shot, I know that. I could have said it back to you that I loved you, but I didn’t and I wrecked everything because I knew it was the right thing to do.”

“Don’t I get a say? Didn’t you think I should get a say in this, if you feel that strongly?” you ask him, not feeling angry, but not feeling happy at his confession either. You thought knowing he loved you would change things, but it’s just rubbing salt into the wound. “You thought you were protecting my life, but Matt… It’s _my_ life. I should be allowed to get a say in how I live it, you don’t just get to decide for me! And you come here now, and just tell me all this-“

“I didn’t plan-“

“No! You had your say, I’m having mine!” You snap at him.

Matt flinches, but doesn’t attempt to speak.

“I don’t care whether you planned this or not, or why you came here, but Matt… You just… You’re a massive control freak, you know that? With a side of Catholic guilt. Everything has to be a certain way with you, and you know best, and you have to suffer, and damn everything else. But god forbid someone act like they care about you or love you. Then you just…”

You sigh, your anger dimming. You can’t even explain it to Matt, how you feel.

“Look, I’m sorry, but you should just leave. I can’t… I don’t know why you came here, but I can’t, okay?” Then it hits you.

 

_It’s been a week since you told Foggy about the Seattle job, and he hasn’t spoken to you. That was fine_ ; _since you had called it quits after your last audition ended in misery, you had been picking up extra shifts waiting tables at the bistro where you worked, and the extra money was helping as you prepared to move to Seattle. You had just finished a shift and were walking to take the subway home when you heard someone call your name. You grumbled lightly, cursing your sore feet as you turned around, seeing Foggy running up to you._

_“Hey, stranger!” you say lightly, pulling him in for a hug. “Thought you were writing me off for leaving the city. Walk with me.”_

_“Long day?” Foggy asks, returning your hug and taking your arm as the two of you walk, lending you some support as he can see the way you’re wobbling._

_“Pulled a double. In heels. Not the smartest choice.” You say._

_“Ouch. Why are you pulling doubles? Don’t you leave soon?”_

_“Not for a month, and the job doesn’t start officially for another two or three, technically. So I’m socking away some cash. Seattle’s expensive, Fog.”_

_“So I told Matt. Listen, about the job-“_

_“You told Matt?” you ask Foggy, trying to sound casual. Foggy had never known about you and Matt; as far as he was concerned, you and Matt were friends he had introduced._

_“Yeah. Was I not supposed to?”_

_You shake your head and smile as you and Foggy descend the steps leading to the subway. “Nah. It’s no secret. Just haven’t heard you talk about him, lately.”_

_“Well, you stopped hanging out with us, so I figured something must have happened.”_

_You pause, wondering if you should tell Foggy about the whole catching feelings thing and Matt’s rejection of you, but you settle for shaking your head._

_“I was just busy. I kept sinking auditions, and then I was looking for any kind of acting-related job, and I thought you were mad at me about Seattle.” You tell him._

_“I wasn’t mad. Disappointed because my favorite cousin was packing up and heading three thousand miles away, yeah, but not mad. I had to talk to Matt to get my head straight, though.”_

_“And did you?” you ask._

_“Yeah. I’m sorry for acting like an ass about it. You need to make a living, and if acting isn’t working… Talking to Matt helped me see that.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah. Matt told me that I can’t be selfish about your life.”_

 

“You goddamned liar!” you snap at him. “Foggy told you I was leaving, I remember him saying so. And you waited till now to try and pull something? After telling _him_ not to be selfish, you go and do exactly that!”

“That’s not what-“

“Bullshit! I’m not some goddamned toy you can just keep tossing aside and then keeping up again when it suits you, Matt. You know, once upon a time, I would have given you some kind of ultimatum, but looking at you now… I can’t. You can’t be selfish like this. You can’t want me by your side _and_ want to push me away. You can’t have it both ways, Matt! And how do I know it’s even me you’re choosing? You said things with Karen went sideways, and Elektra was probably another repeat of a complete and utter shitshow, so let me guess. You decided that me, Foggy’s little cousin, who _admitted_ I was hopelessly in love with you, was a good option to feed your ego.”

“I’m sorry!” Matt tells you, sounding anguished. “Look, I… I really do love you. I’m sorry for telling you so many lies. I thought… I only wanted to do the right thing, but I really do love you.”

You let out a scoff. “That would have made me very happy, once.” You sigh. “I leave for Seattle in three days, Matt. I’m not letting go of something steady for something so uncertain. You can say you love me now, but I… I just can’t, okay?”

“Don’t go.” Matt begs you.

“I would have given anything to be with you once, but, Matt… Right now, you’re so broken and think you don’t deserve love that you destroy any chance you have at happiness. And at the same time, you keep playing this… this ‘push-away, come-back’ game with everyone in your life. I can’t do that anymore, Matt. You say you want to protect me from you? _I’m_ protecting myself from you now, Matt, because I can’t be an emotional crutch for you anymore.”

You sigh, getting up to let Matt out. He follows you, numb, not saying anything. You open the door for him, pausing to face him. You hesitate, and then you reach out and hug him. Matt stiffens for a moment, before melting into your embrace a little. He knows it’s not an embrace of love, he knows that it’s a goodbye, but he welcomes the contact, welcomes the knowledge that, in spite of your harsh words, you don’t hate him. That, in fact, you love him, even if it’s not the way he wants, not the way you did. It brings tears to his eyes, tears he lets fall freely as you rub his back and murmur in his ear.

“Figure yourself out, Matt. Untie all those knots of guilt and feelings of unworthiness you’ve got in you, okay? Because you really can’t love anybody until you work that shit out, and you’re missing out on some really awesome stuff.” You tell him. “Okay?”

Matt stands straighter, leaving your embrace as he wipes away the tears.

“I… I understand.” He says, feeling a little lighter at your words. He doesn’t know what he’ll do, not yet, but he knows a little better now than he did. “When you go to Seattle, can I… Will you keep in touch?”

You bite your lip. “I’ll have Foggy keep you posted.” You tell him.

He sighs, but knows you’re protecting yourself now, just like you said, and he knows it’s for the best. “You better,” he says, sounding lighter than he feels. It’s not what he wants, but he knows that he can’t expect more than you’re willing to give.

“Good night, Matt.” You tell him as he walks out your door.

“Good night.” He says to you as the door closes.

You touch your hand to the closed door as you listen to Matt’s footsteps fade away. You sigh, letting your hand fall as you head back to your room to catch some more sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I'll start posting more often, first in some of my ongoings and then the small mountain of requests I have from tumblr.


End file.
